Here's to hating life just enough to stay. 

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Sold onto the cold streets of burning hell. Left to rest- still bitter sweet. All good with some company. Varied experiences can only grow it so. Every lifetime can be fooled. Sorry states will be released, solid state to relief. [XXX 1:11]

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Only time I'm serious on this site. Indian immigrant who came to the tristate area at the age of four in 2000. As a kid I never understood racism, I looked at it as any term of disrespect towards me based on the feature of my skin color and the stereotypes that go with it. This is the first time anyone in my family came to America. My parents were(still) learning how to adapt to this culture while trying to raise me and my infant brother. I think this played a big factor in how I was slow to so many of the issues deeply rooted in this country before me. As me and my family slowly started settling in, we were on different paths. The school system is a whole experience of its own, so many different friends from all cultures and races. The first time I ever encountered racism was in kindergarden. I offered to be friends with this white kid, he replied back with "I don't want to be your friend because of your skin color". That was just a crazy response and one I didn't understand. From this point on I think something clicked in my head; I never wanted to not be friends with anyone solely based on their skin color. This is such a double edged sword topic because before mass transportation it was much harder for large populations to move outside of their geographic region, meaning that on top of social/financial/personality similarities, you also had your skin color. Literally the only reason you have that is so you don't die from the light of the sun, its fucking evolution guys. Our bodies created melanin but our minds created a visual representation of what a person is worth. We are so fucking obsessed with sight to the point that if even all other senses can sense something but we can't see it, we don't believe it. Ofcourse not all things, nothing is absolute, I'm speaking of most things. On the other side people will never get to grow and learn new experiences if they never go outside their bubble. This will also eventually lead to a lot of hate towards other races because they aren't represented and the mind likes to always think that we are always right. Again, this is coming from an 24yr old Indian immigrant whose just an engineer. Like for growth in any field, we have to get outside of our comfort zone and expand it. Please hang out with people outside your race. Growth is the only reason we go to work, chase money, try to reach for the stars, treat this as part of that. Whats the use of living if you're in bubble. And just for the fuck of it, I feel that way a lot. There is nothing we can find at the end of this human's-curiosity-to-solve-the-universe that will make all of this worth it. Just kill me if I don't make it by 30. 

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Sorry for that tangent. Hiphop was first introduced to me at 10 or 11, whenever T.I.'S Paper Trial album came out, and boy was I obsessed with the song Dead and Gone. The fuckin story he was delivering meshed with his fast flow with a hint of sadness in his voice. Then Day and Night by Kid Cudi. Like fuck dude, this was something else. I still can't get over how good that song is and the artist he is now. Enough dick sucking thou, these people made me intrigued in rap. I wanted to be a rapper because I liked what I heard. T.I.'S vivid lyrics gave me some understanding of a culture I didn't know about. It sparked curiosity in me to understand why everyone didn't get to grow up like me. What did they have to deal with at 11 that I have never done and vice versa. Day and Night hit me different because this was something I can relate. Life isn't all rainbows and flowers with Kumon and parents wanting you to get As all day. Two totally different types of songs in the same genre. Blew my mind at that age. I owe it to these two songs for making me fall in love with hip-hop.

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Hip-hop is created by black culture, this is an undeniable fact. This was another genre that we didn't have before. I swear I never talk about being Indian in my songs, stupid asf, but growing up all Indian music sounded the same. Very limited amount of genre I should say, no disrespect to their music. There was nothing like hip-hip that I have heard before and for me, this is their genre, this is their poetry, this is their life. Should I be accepted, better yet, do I even care and will caring or not caring matter. Nothing matters. Do you believe in god? He/she doesn't matter. If you kill yourself because you think your life doesn't matter. After countless conversations with yourself and assessing all your options, either to grow up without  purpose that can fulfill you or just realize what you really are in the universe and just want to call it quits. You had your fun. At peace with everything. For some fucking reason there will people whose life will never be the same. Knowing you were still living MATTERED to them. 

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fuck dude

fuck fuck fuck 

you wanna know what may problem is, I think im the most perfect and flawed person ever. I should be able to understand both sides fo the spectrum whether it be the privileged whites and the enslaved and drained from years of the oppression, the people of color. Not only is this even a higher form of god than being the best person. it is just a flaw of a human being. So I win? The world is too small to be killing people who just have a different color skin than you ITs way too small to be thinking that your race is better. I'm way too stupid to take any advice from, we are all stupid. I dont know what to miss, what time I want to go back to, what time I look to, what is the want, what is the depression phase and why do we just let it take us. I dont think that's how it works but whatever. Who am I. I haven't faced any struggle, I haven't head the taste of the good life. I have good friends, I have a perfect partner, my parents never let me go starving. All of this accumulates to what'd, and why is that "what" so negative. Why do I take the unknowing so negatively. My problems aren't real so I think I'm not real. I'm chasing a thing a stuff but what I dont know. I keep making these songs, if I stop I start making this website, if I stop I know I'll have to go into work. And not that I dont like my work. I just dont get where we are going. Im stupid Im stupid I know. This is as sober as I will get and its for this paragraph. I say the n-word in my raps and nothing I can say will ever change how that hurts people. I can never understand. They packed people on a fuckin ship. Stripped them from heaven took them to hell. Forced to be belittled, humiliated. delete, delete, delete. NO! That is nothing compared to what they did. This was absolutely un thinkable. Why do we have a " trash" category for everything. Why is there a scale for everything. Do we really think that this how the universe works? You know how many bacteria YOUR cells work with to keep you functioning. We are the level after that, we are sentient. We are supposed to work together to grow further than any other living species in this galaxy. Raping someones wife/daughter/mother/father/son/brother, whipping wives/daughters/mothers/fathers/sons/brothers, lynching wives/daughters/mothers/fathers/sons/brothers, stacking wife/daughter/mother/fathers/sons/brothers up like legos on a several month journey over the Atlantic,  forcing sex between wife/daughter/mother/father/son/brother, separating families at slave auctions and selling them. Not letting slaves education themselevs, forcing them to work in the sun with whips as pay, honestly I want to see the face of a KKK member when his wife is raped in front of him while he's tied up and tortured. This was a living hell, literally some people thought that they were better than others because of the color of their skin. The first time they got this taste from when they killed all the Native Americans. If you think that this is a history lesson than you are the problem. There are still negative implications of this to this day. No amount of "I used to say it as a kid"  or "this is art and that's how I just talked to my inner self" or "I'm just trying to de value the word and change its meaning to something better" or "if they can say it then so can I (I never thought of this tbh, never got it when people said it)"  will change the fact that all of that was deeply rooted into that word. The amount of hate and lives lost by be classified that is something the older me understands that I will never understand. I apologize for using that word in SOLID STATE. Do not listen to it if you take any offense and be sure to down vote it. Also please see below for links and... yea. Help the cause, we can't be fueling our barbaric needs by enslaving other humans. I just want to make enough and move out somewhere. Like just away from all of this. I will die trying,